Construction
Definitions
Contractor – usually the Lowest Bidder.
Lowest Bidder - A contractor who is wondering what he left
out.
Change Orders – where to charge what was left
out
Bid- A wild guess carried out to two decimal
places
Bid Opening - A poker game in which the
losing hand wins.
Engineer's Estimate - The cost of
construction in heaven.
Project Manager - The
conductor of an orchestra in which
every musician is in a different
union.
Delayed Payment - A tourniquet applied at the
pockets.
Completion Date - The point at which
liquidated damages begin.
Liquidated Damages - A
penalty for failing to achieve the impossible.
Auditor
- Person who goes in after the war is lost and bayonets the
wounded.
Lawyer - Person who goes in after the
auditors to strip the bodies.
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Engineer in Heaven :
An Engineer dies on a car
accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself greeted at Heavens Gates by a
rock band.
Saint Peter runs over, shakes his hand and says
"Congratulations!"
"Congratulations for what?" asks the Engineer
"Congratulations for what?" says Saint Peter. "We are celebrating the
fact that
you lived to be 100 years old."
"But that's not true," says
the Engineer. "I only lived to be forty."
"That's impossible," says
Saint Peter, "we added up your time sheets."
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One morning a contractor called an architectural (or
engineering) firm and asked to speak to an architect regarding a particular
project.
The receptionist, with a voice full of regret, said, "I'm
sorry, sir, but the architect recently died a slow, agonizing death out on a
project site."
The contractor stated his condolences and hung up.
About an hour later the same contractor called back and asked to speak to an
architect regarding the same project.
Again, the receptionist gave the
contractor the bad news: "I'm sorry, sir, but the architect recently died a
slow, agonizing death out on a project site." As before, the contractor
mumbled his regrets and hung up.
This pattern repeated itself each hour
throughout the morning, until, at last, the receptionist recognized the
contractor's voice, whereupon she said to him, "Say, why do you keep calling
here when you know I'm going to say the architect has recently died a slow,
agonizing death out on a project site?"
The contractor, now exploding
with long-suppressed, maniacal laughter, gasped, "Because I love to hear you
say it!"
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Engineers and Lawyers:
There are two big
conferences in NY....one for Engineers and one for Lawyers. They are both
being held in the same building downtown.
On the first day of the
conference, two groups run into each other at the train station and chat while
waiting in line to buy tickets into the city.
When they reach the
counter, the three lawyers each buy tickets and watch as the three Engineers
buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one
ticket?" asks a lawyer. "Watch and you'll see," answers an
Engineer.
They all board the train. The lawyers take their respective
seats, but all three Engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind
them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around
collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please."
The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.
The conductor takes it and moves on. The lawyers saw this and agreed it was
quite a clever idea.
So after the conference, the lawyers decide to
copy the Engineers on the return trip and save some money (recognizing the
Engineers' superior intellect). When they get to the station, they buy a
single ticket for the return trip.
To their astonishment, the Engineers
don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?"
says one perplexed lawyer. "Watch and you'll see," answers an
Engineer.
When they board the train the three lawyers cram into a
restroom and the three Engineers cram into another one nearby. The train
departs.
Shortly afterward, one of the Engineers leaves his restroom
and walks over to the restroom where the lawyers are hiding. He knocks on the
door and says, "Ticket, please."
